By: Sam Kimmel
Hello again everyone! I took a few days longer than I had wanted to get started with this blog post. You see, my last post (“The Fall of Funhaus: Welcome to Hellhaus”) was met with a variety of strong opinions…both positive and negative. It wasn’t an easy piece for me to write as I opened up about my attachment to a YouTube creative group that has gone through so many changes over the last year or so. The feedback I got had me questioning a lot about what I am doing here though. I even wondered if I should be writing like this at all.
It isn’t easy opening up a part of yourself to people that know you, and those that do not. However, I thought that by writing that last piece that I could relate to others out there in a way. I’m not regretting a word that I wrote previously, but I want everyone to understand something. With all due respect, this isn’t for any of you. Selfishly, this has been all for me.
I have written for newspapers with no credit given to me whatsoever. I have worked my ass off for companies that have taken advantage of me (but who hasn’t). This isn’t a pity party though. I just want to make it clear that I needed this. I lost my ability to use my voice the way that I had wanted to, and one thing that remains clear over the years is the expression of myself through writing.
As some of you may know, I have been struggling with depression and anxiety over several years. I have always prided myself on being strong-minded. I may not always have the best ideas, but I will stand by my decisions wholeheartedly because they are mine. I haven’t felt like I’ve had much control in my life at times. However, when I’m writing like this…it’s me, all me.
With that all being said, I do want to say thank you. Thanks to those of you that have quietly supported me from various parts of my life. Some of you have expressed your support via comments, direct messages, or simply sharing my posts. I just want each of you to know that this has meant a tremendous amount to me. I don’t know that I could take this kind of venture without the kind of feedback that I have received from each of you. Even the negativity has shown me that there are those of you that care.
Alright, now this all sounds quite sappy and I know this isn’t why you clicked on this post (if you did). What I really want to talk about stems off of that previous paragraph though…I am thankful. I am thankful for you all supporting me, and I am thankful for the foundation that this whole blog is built off of, a passion for gaming.
To the average person, a gamer is an individual that stuffs their face with Doritos and Monster Energy drinks to fuel their late night gaming endeavors. I’m not here to sound elitist though. I’ve certainly had my fair share of those nights as well, but this passion goes way deeper than some overindulging of high sodium and sugary snacks.
I’ve already touched on what gaming has meant to me in a previous posting that can be found here. Now I want to just elaborate a little bit on what this passion has truly meant to me, and my life.
As I’ve written about some before, I wasn’t always the most popular person. In high school, I struggled to really be confident with the person I was. I had some temperamental issues, internal battles from difficulties in my personal life, and I was defensive. I didn’t know how to take criticism. Of my passions, of the things I enjoyed in life, and of critiques made my way. Like many young souls, I was too proud. Not proud of who I was, but proud of the fact that it was my life to figure out.
I was a troubled young man throughout high school, and in college. One thing I really related to other guys about though was gaming. I could bullshit for hours over a game I was playing, or my hype for some upcoming release (don’t even get me started on the PS5…I NEED it!). As I’ve touched on previously, gaming really helped me open up and get outside of my comfort zone.
I consider myself to be an introvert, but with spurts of extrovertedness (that’s not a word Sam). Anyways, there were countless times when I would struggle in the depths of my own mind and my own problems to really be able to expand socially enough to hold down real friendships. There are some friends that I’ve had over the years that left a real impact on me though. I won’t drop any names here, but I really struggle with not having these people in my life today.
Aside from friendships, gaming brought me peace when nearly nothing else would. I was an avid cigar smoker in high school to deal with stresses (still dealing with that problem). I would look to get drunk in social settings because I was a version of myself that others enjoyed. I was still me, but multiplied by 1000. These unhealthy tendencies led me on some dark pathways and I lost bits of myself over the way.
A significant turning point in my life was the car accident I was in a couple of years ago. I nearly died when my car flipped several times into other lanes of traffic on a highway with my girlfriend sitting right next to me. I made so many terrible decisions in the years leading up to that moment, but that was by far the worst. I had staples in my head, was unable to use my left hand for months, needed help to shower, struggled to string together coherent thoughts, and I still battle with the physical repercussions from time-to-time.
These self-inflicted consequences were only then followed by further loss. I had lost my car, lost a best friend of over 10 years to suicide, lost another friend shortly after due to fighting, lost my job I had at the time, and ended up working in a kitchen just to make ends meet. I have been continuing to fight through struggles, but there is no one I can look at for blame. Most of what has happened were tied to wrongful decisions I made at one point or another.
Now you’re probably asking yourself, “well what the hell does this have to do with gaming?” Let me explain.
There were so many times over the years where I couldn’t find much to make me happy. My restless mind has always needed a break, an escape…something. Not in an unhealthy way, but you just can’t spend your days thinking of every mistake you ever made or you’re just going to end up insane. I definitely felt like I was heading there at times. In fact, I’m even getting help to this day to make things a little clearer.
I’ve had some very supportive family members that have been there for me, and some incredible people that have stepped in when I needed. However, you can’t expect to have people there for you every time you need someone. Most battles that we face internally are done so by ourselves. That’s why I needed a break from the chaos every once in awhile. When I’ve been all alone with my dark thoughts (at times), it has been gaming that has given me that small break from the tormenting tunnels my brain warped itself through.
It’s hard to explain, but there have been times when I have felt suffocated by my self-deprecating thoughts. Being able to game in even just small doses has flooded my brain with the fresh air, and dopamine that I’ve needed. A handful of matches online here, or some missions of a single-player RPG there can really go a long way for me. I don’t use gaming to escape my problems altogether, but simply to give me a “timeout” from them.
I know this probably won’t make sense to some of you. Like I said before though, this isn’t for anyone else besides myself. Not to be ungrateful, but this blog just simply wouldn’t last long if I was doing if for anybody else besides me. Similar to gaming in a way, writing is a crucial piece in handling the emotions of my life. Everyone has their vices, and if mine is going to be gaming then that is a hill I can die on.
I apologize for making this post more personal, but I wanted to take this time to open up a little more about who I am. Thank you again to those of you that have supported me in one way or another. I look forward to seeing how this blog evolves over the coming time. If you have any suggestions of topics moving forward, or any questions then please feel free to email them directly to me at: kimmelnbits@gmail.com.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Stay safe and enjoy the little things this holiday season. Thank you!
KimmelNBits 